I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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