At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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