: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
