FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
