dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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