I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
