i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
