I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
