Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
