I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
