wrigley field is MILF paradise
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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