We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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