I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
