I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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