dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
