I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
