for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
