I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
