I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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