the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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