So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
