I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
