Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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