just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
