i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
