I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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