brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
