you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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