I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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