i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
