all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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