so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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