I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
