omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
she woke up with a sticky ear
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I am full of burrito and curiosity
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
