WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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