Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
