I didn't shave. On purpose
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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