But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
