apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
