My friends, they love my intelligence
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
