I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
