I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
