he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
