I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
