Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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