i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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