Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
