if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
