You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
