I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
