this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
