I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Randomize
