It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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